1,oo1 Ways To Get The F--k Over It: An Emo's Guide To Normality
by Regas 27
Summary: In which, Sasuke Uchiha receives some [not-so] good advice from a rediculously expensive book with a questionably questionable title. Chaos shall ensue, but perhaps he might learn something from the 1,001 Ways the book suggests. Or, perhaps not. Sasuke x Naruto / XD pure and utter crack!
1. Chapter 1

**1,001 Ways To Get The F—k Over It: An Emo's Guide to Normality**

**A/N**: this story is meant to be funny, punny, and ridiculously stupid. Take 'er with a grain o' salt. I will not really be listing 1,oo1 ways for Sasuke to get over it, as much fun as that would be, that's just too many GTFOIs (Get The Fuck Over It's). Ah, as to the other fanfiction I reference, the original is no longer found on fanfiction (though numerous copies of it are ;3). Don't expect this to have a serious plot XP

Created in collaboration with xXRedSnowDemondXx.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything nor am I making any profits from this. If I did or was, I would be filthy fucking rich, and Sasuke wouldn't be such a whiny bitch, Kakashi would more awesome (if that's even possible…), Naruto would not be oblivious to Hinata's come-ons, Sakura would be more awesome…. and Obito would totally be gay for Kakashi, because it would just make life easier and no one would care that Kakashi falcon-punched Rin's heart out.

**Warning[s]:** Adult and suggestive themes (including but not limited to: Sasuke awkwardly coming onto people, mild molestation, perhaps fapping, [un] erotic dialogue…etc. etc.), fiercely strong ill-used language, character [Sasuke, anyone?] bashing/fun-making, possibly yaoi, over the top **emo**ness, **angsty**ness, **My Immortal** bashing and just being emo in general.

Enjoy.

**~xxx: Chapter 1: Bonding with the Book :xxx~**

Way #2. It's okay if you feel like you're the only one who gives a shit about your dreams. Because you are. No one else gives a flying fuck, so its time to get the fuck over it.

Sasuke nodded at the wise words on the page of the ridiculously expensive ($100) book in his hands. Yes, that made sense. He _was_ the only one who cared and it was time for him to get the fuck over it.

"I am the only one who gives a flying fuck." He said firmly, letting the idea work it's way through him. "I am the only one who cares about my dreams."

Way #3. If you are emo, you are too _mainstream_. – Sasuke gasped loudly at the horrific-ness of the statement. Mainstream?! Oh, no, no, no, no! He couldn't be mainstream! That was just…. It was too much…. He continued on with the reading - Get the fuck over yourself and _be normal_.

Way #4. You are not a _special snowflake_. Go away, cry a little in your emo corner, and get the fuck over it.

What _was_ this blasphemy? He was a special snowflake! Naruto had even called him one a few days ago. Angrily, Sasuke snapped the book shut and crossed his arms over his chest as he pouted.

With a rather _emo_ groan Sasuke flipped his hair to one side overdramatically, and after nearly giving himself whiplash, he began to cry sexily. Was this how Vampire Potter and his friends felt in that one _totally goffik_ fanfiction felt? Preps and posers were too mainstream …he didn't want to be like them! But he wanted to be normal too. Maybe then Naruto would return his feelings and they could live happily ever after.

What was an overly emo ninja to do?

"Oi, Sasuke! Where are you?"

Sasuke looked up as Naruto came bounding into his living room, a wide, crooked grin spread across his face. "Dobe." He grunted, quickly wiping away the tears that had no doubt managed to smear his eyeliner and mascara.

"Come on, teme! You're late for practice, we've been waiting forever."

"I was just catching up…on some reading." He admitted.

Naruto nodded, though his brows rose skeptically, "Uh-huh. Bring your book; we need to go before Sakura-chan gets angry. I don't want to be her punching bag today."

"Hn." Sasuke grunted again before rising to his feet and following Naruto out of the Uchiha mansion (because he always has one, as seen in many fanfics…and it's always called the Uchiha Mansion).

As they walked along the old, worn dirt path, kicking up dust as they scuffed their feet, Sasuke skimmed a few more wise lessons from his book while Naruto rambled aimlessly about ramen.

Way #6. Are you in love with the boy next door? That gorgeous blonde haired, blue-eyed boy with the foxy grin that makes you swoon a little inside every time you see it? –Oddly and uncannily accurate, Sasuke thought as he stole a glance at Naruto from the corner of his eye, then his gaze fell substantially south, taking in the blonde's Uzumaki's deliciously firm, perfectly round and toned ass. Oh how he longed to reach out and grope and squeeze and massage those perfect clefts…. - Well, time to get the fuck over it. He's straight, and you're so cliché. Why don't you try that dark haired, artistically inclined boy you know?

Sasuke's face fell blank, his lips pulled into a grim, flat line. That wasn't even funny. Why would he want Sai? Sai was arrogant, didn't talk much and was quite depressing at times…oh, god, it would be like dating himself. Sai even looked a little like him. Sasuke brushed his fingers through his shaggy bangs. He had nicer hair though; he deep conditioned where as Sai did not.

They came into the open field marked '3' only to find Kakashi and Sakura against each other (in quite the compromising position, what with Sakura's face pressed into Kakashi's groin while his hand rested contently against her breast with his palm wide open….) napping beneath an old oak tree full with green leaves and large, wide branches. Naruto pressed his hands to his face and groaned a curse aloud before storming over angrily and waking them both.

With a roll of his eyes, Sasuke closed his book and set it at his feet as he watched Kakashi and Sakura both wake with a start only to jump across the field apart from each other.

Like they hadn't known how they look, inner Sasuke sneered as Naruto whipped a few curses in Kakashi's direction, then to Sakura.

"Let's just get this over with." Sasuke grumbled as he removed a kunai from the nylon holster on his leg. He fell to a defensive stance, waiting for one of his teammates to acknowledge the challenge he offered.

Naruto turned with a wide grin on his whiskered face and he proceeded to unfasten two of his own Kunai. "Bring it, teme." He cackled before leaping into the air, kunai knives flying in Sasuke's direction.

Activating the sharingan, Sasuke quickly dodge the attack before launching his own barrage of razor sharp blades and running for the woods. Leaves lightly crunched beneath his feet as he dipped under branches and zigzagged between trunks as he led the chase through the forest.

A sharp pain in his leg had Sasuke losing balance and he collided face first into the forest floor, dirt filling his nose and mouth as he struggled to breath and push himself up. He spat what he could out and lunged forward with his arms before catching himself with his feet as they hit the ground. He quickly looked down, a shuriken protruding from his calf.

Fuck me with a wooden spoon, he thought. Naruto was serious about this spar. It made him grin wickedly; he liked a challenge. That he hit him meant Naruto was right behind him and was keeping up. He snaked his hand around to the pouch on his hip and quickly pulled out a roll of trip wire. After tying the loose end around the loop of a kunai, he flung it as a tree and imbedded it before diving into a roll, where he tied another end around the truck of a small diameter tree.

A few more moments later, Naruto came into sight, barreling towards him and with a grin Sasuke leapt into the tree above his trap and watched as Naruto was sent stumbling forward where he fell with a heavy thud. Positioning himself over top of the Uzumaki, he fell from the tree, tackling him to the ground as he clamored to his feet.

"I win." Sasuke hissed in Naruto's ear.

Thrashing wildly beneath Sasuke, Naruto let out a cry, "Let me go!"

"No." he smirked, "…this is mine now, dobe." Slowly, and rather awkwardly, Sasuke smoothed his hand down Naruto's firm side. Down his ribs and over his hips, Sasuke's hand came to Naruto's thigh.

"W-what the hell are you doing, teme?!" Naruto stuttered as he tried to swat away Sasuke's wandering hands. "What the fuck, man?"

Sasuke tightened his other arm around the kyuubi vessel's waist, and lowered his lips to his ear. "Mine." He hissed before inserting his tongue into said ear. His hand moved over his has and squeezed hard. "So firm…"

Naruto tensed beneath Sasuke momentarily before roaring in frustration and throwing the emo bastard from his back. "What the fuck are you doing, Sasuke?" He screamed before picking Sasuke up by his shirt collar, "Are you for real?"

"Even better this way…" Sasuke muttered before reaching forward and groping Naruto's cock through the sweatpants he wore. He tightened his grip lightly and smiled up at Naruto's wide blue eyes and shock dropped jaw. "My, my, you are a big boy aren't you?"

Sasuke flinched as Naruto's fist collided with his face, breaking his nose. Ah, well…he thought. He wouldn't need to where as much dark eye shadow for a while. Surely he would have two black eyes. Naruto fisted his hand in his hair, and with a pathetic cry for help, Sasuke flayed his arms and legs around.

Naruto stomped back to field three, dragging Sasuke behind him by his hair. Sasuke had given up the thrashing but a few moments after the dragging had begun, it hurt more when he moved.

"This fucker was coping a feel and-" Naruto paused his rant, his grasp of Sasuke's hair loosening noticeable as he stopped where he stood. "What the…."

Sasuke peeked over his shoulder, his brows nearly reaching his hairline as he watched Kakashi and Sakura struggled to separate and hide their naked selves. "Whoa…"

Naruto peered down at him and then looked back to the other team seven members, then looked back to Sasuke with a grin. "You see that too, right?"

It was no surprise that Sakura had dumped Naruto just about a week ago, Sasuke mused with a smile, it was obviously because the fates wanted to bring he and the beautiful blonde machine at his side together, but he didn't think Sakura would run off to find a fuck buddy that quickly…and with Kakashi no less…and well…

…Kakashi's penis was so…so…

"Tiny!" Naruto guffawed, pressing a hand to his abdomen as he tried to stifle his amusement.

"Wow. She dumped you for _that_?" Sasuke rolled with laughter, holding his stomach. "It's so fucking small!"

Naruto collapsed with laughter, giggling like a mad man.

Kakashi and Sakura exchanged glances then both glared down at Kakashi's rock hard fifteen inches…. They both shrugged and continued to pull their clothes on.

~xxx~

_Dear Diary,_

_Today, I touched Naruto's crotch…and ass ;D_

_And Kakashi has a really tiny dick. Sakura's such a whore. _

_I feel like tacos for dinner_

Sasuke smiled down at his journal entry and closed the black, fang decorated goffik notebook before hugging it to his chest for good measure in hopes that tomorrow's entry would be just as good. He hid it beneath the pillow on his couch and walked out into his living room to read some more of the book that would hopefully help him become a little more normal.

Way #13. Cutting yourself in the emo corner sexily, wearing the skinny jeans you stole from your eight year old girl next door, and masturbating towards the mirror because you're just that hawt because that's what totally emo people do in their spare time does not make you totally emo. It just makes you really fucking weird. Get the fuck over yourself, and get the fuck over it. Stop being a fucktard.

Sasuke pursed his lips. How did the author of this book know he did all of those things? Perhaps this book was writing just for him. This was _his_ personal guide to being a normal person!

He looked down and flipped the book over, peering at the cover where the author's name was in large, bold letters.

Niu (Not Itachi Uchiha)

Who the hell was this Niu person? How did they know everything about him, about how he felt? It was like they were bonding through these wonderfully helpful ways to get over it. As Sasuke sat pondering the various ways he and Niu were growing intimately closer via the expensive books in his hand, he was too busy to notice his brother and Kakashi peering through his windows, both taking notes as they watched him.

"Oh well…" Sasuke said with a shrug before standing and stripping his clothes off. Scratching the back of his head, he walked through his apartment and into his bathroom where he had many polished full-length mirrors ready and waiting for him. "Nothing like a good fap to end the night."

Kakashi sighed and closed his eyes as yet again they subjected themselves to this torture, and Itachi merely facewalled the outside of the apartment complex.

~xxx: xxx :xxx~


	2. Chapter 2

**1,oo1 Ways to Get The F—k Over It: An Emo's Guide to Normality**

**A/N:** All warnings still apply ;]

If you are easily offended, go away! :D

~xxx: Chapter 2: Nicknames Are Nice, But Titles Are Better :xxx~

Sasuke woke with a yawn and stretched his arms high above his head before sitting up in his totally goffik coffin-shaped bed to start the day. The clock on his nightstand read seven a.m.

"So early…" He murmured to himself before plucking off his emo!Barbie nightgown and crawling from bed. Absently, he got dressed, accidentally pulling on one of Naruto's vividly neon _Abercrombie and Fitch _polo's. Then, he proceeded to pull on his Uchiha brand shorts (because for some reason, all of his clothes have the Uchiha emblem on it. You know, because the entire clan isn't dead or anything, they're hidden away in factories mass-producing that bullshit…ahem…) and entered the bathroom to apply his many layers of makeup.

His fingers found the light switch and he turned to the first mirror panel on his wall and appraised himself thoroughly.

"Ugh, I haven't looked this bad since that time…." He trailed off as the bright orange of his shirt caught his attention, the little moose on its hem made him reel back in disgust. "What the fuck is _this_?"

In his attempts to remove the shirt, he ripped it down the middle and upon the tear, it spontaneously combusted and self-destructed. Sasuke placed a hand against his pale, naked chest and sighed 'thank god that's over' before evaluating himself once more.

Naruto sure had done quite a job on his face. Both eyes were black, and his nose was bruised and crooked. Perhaps he wouldn't need so much eye shadow. Quickly, Sasuke retrieved his makeup bag from the sink and began applying his classic black eyeliner and dark grey mascara. He then powered his cheeks and applied a light blush to even out the tone.

"You are one fine looking motherfucker, Sasuke Uchiha."

After finishing his beauty treatments, Sasuke walked out through his bedroom and into his den where his wonderful book sat on the easy chair in the corner. He picked it up, sat down and began reading.

"Niu, you are a genius!" He said with a sigh of admiration.

**Way #23. **The world is not being "fucktarded", "asshole-ish", and/or a "motherfucking, cock sucking two ball bitch". It is simply life you are feeling and you are not alone. So get the fuck over it. Take a few deep breaths, masturbate (like you always do to fix your problems) or something, and go on with your day. Life happens. Get the fuck over it.

This was a revelation! The world _wasn't_ being an asshole? Niu was so insightfully intelligent. Sasuke sigh, wondering just what this man looked like. He guessed he was tall and lanky, but in an attractive way. He would have dark hair, too! And dark eyes and a killer smile that made men and women alike swoon.

Kind of like Itachi when he'd been younger.

**Way #24. **Lets face it; your brother is the better looking of the two of you. He's much more mature and has a more worldly and adult knowledge of…everything. The only time in his life he ever fucked up was when he let you live. Face the facts and get the fuck over it.

_Whoa. _

Sasuke stared in shock at the book before clutching it tightly to his chest. Niu knew everything about him! Though, there was no way Itachi was more attractive than he was, and the only reason Itachi didn't kill him was because he was just that much more awesome than the rest of his family. Seriously, he was fucking cool.

A knock at the door drew Sasuke from his thoughts and he stood to answer the call. As he swung the door open, he frowned, "Hello Sai."

"Dickface." The ink-user greeted as he stepped through the threshold. His outfit today was much sluttier than usual Sasuke thought as his eyes traveled up Sai's gorgeous legs. He wasn't sure if it were the leather booty shorts, or the cropped net-mesh shirt and faux leather bra, or the thigh high seven-inch hidden platform heals he wore. Damn those were nice shoes.

His outfits just hadn't been the same since he'd come out as a self-proclaimed transvestite (though many accounted this sudden change to his undying passion for the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which Sakura had graciously introduced to him but a few months ago during a mission in which they'd been forced to watch movies on the small cheap television in their motel room or suffer the consequences of cheap motel cable.)

"What brings you here?"

"CavernousVagina, I mean Sakura, suggested I see you to learn about applying makeup. Apparently, I've been doing it wrong –she said I looked like my paint had thrown up on my face. Naturally, I wasn't pleased…." Sai answered with his usual, dull monotone. "Will you help me?"

"Will I get paid?"

"Of course, as long as you don't manhandle me like you did Smalldick."

"You mean Naruto?" Sasuke closed the door and followed Sai into the den.

Sai nodded. "Yes. He told me what happened yesterday."

"Hn." The emo Uchiha blanched before flipping his hair to one side for dramatic effect, managing to sprain his neck in the process. Then he paused for a moment and looked to Sai, curious about the nickname he might have given Kakashi. "What are you calling Kakashi these days?"

Sai tilted his head and after a brief pause answered, "ColossalCock, I mean seriously, on a bad day that stupid bitch is hanging a good foot. No wonder CavernousVagina left Smalldick, he just doesn't compare."

Sasuke frowned at the ill mention of Naruto's penis. It was not small by any means, why, Sasuke could hold it in his palm and it was nice and firm. Throbbing and engorged, he bet it was beautiful!

"Let's just do your makeup." Sasuke grumbled angrily as he dragging transvestite Sai into the bathroom.

Sai's eyes fell to the small pile of ashes on the floor and he asked with wide eyes, "Abercrombie and Fitch?"

"Yeah. Naruto left it." No way he would ever wear something so preppy. Prepz and posers were so not goffik like he was! He would never dress like they did!

"Ah." Sai looked to the questionable white smear on one of the mirror panels. His lips pulled into a grim, flat line and he shook his head. "Really? Couldn't wash it off?"

"It was late and I was tired."

… "That's really fucking gross, you stupid Dickface."

"Shut up, Sai." Sasuke handed Sai and white powder base. "You apply this first, just enough to cover the imperfections." Sasuke mock demonstrated the action and watched as Sai looked to the mirror and applied the powder to his skin (even though he's already ridiculously fucking pale…).

Sasuke let his eyes slowly rake over Sai's sexy body, and he could feel the _Big Guy_ downstairs waking up. He smiled and pulled out a light colored blush.

"This is blush you apply this to your cheeks in a '3' shape." He demonstrated once more.

Sai frowned at the color, "Do you have anything darker, to match my shoes?"

Sasuke nodded and pulled out a dark grey, which Sai happily took and began to apply. It wasn't long before the once pale boy looked almost…sickly.

Sasuke had the weirdest boner.

"Damn, I look good." Sai said flatly as he turned his head to look at his handy work. "Thank you, Dickface."

"Sure, sure…" Sasuke smiled, "One last thing before you go…." He reached into the bag then handed Sai a dark red lipstick, "Put this on."

"Red isn't really my color. Washes me out."

"I didn't ask if you wanted to." Sasuke snapped before strutting to the door and slamming it shut. His fingers turned the lock and he turned around with a smile, "Put it on."

"You're acting strangely, Dickface." Sai did as he was told though, and smoothed the red stain on his lips, painting them a burnt crimson color.

Big Guy sprang up against Sasuke's shorts, and he smiled. "Now kiss me, Sai."

"El. Oh. El. Wut."

"I said kiss me dammit." Quickly, Sasuke slipped his fingers into the waistband of the ink user's shorts and he tugged him forward, his lips crushing his in a brutal, teeth-jarring kiss.

Sai struggled against Sasuke before stumbling backwards against the mirrors, "What the fuck are you doing you motherfucker!?"

Sasuke easily trapped Sai against the reflective wall with his arms and hips, Big Guy grinding against Sai's pelvis. He pressed his lips to Sai's pale, alabaster throat while his hand slid beneath leather and his fingers pinched his nipples. "Oh, you've got nice perky ones."

Sai stared in shock as Sasuke continued his awkward onslaught of gropes and wet, gross open mouth and tongue _kisses_ to his throat.

"You're pale white, and don't go in the sun because then you sparkle…" Sasuke whispered in his ear, "I know what you are…"

"Say it, then. Out loud, say it."

"Fuckbuddy."

Itachi and Kakashi, peeking through the bathroom window slowly turned to each other with cocked head and confused expressions when Sasuke and Sai's clothes miraculously disappeared. Itachi shrugged and made a mental note to tie Sai to his bed when he got home and torture him with the ballgag and suede flogger in his dresser. Who the fuck was he to get all up and personal with his brother when he was _his_ Fuckbuddy?

Itachi closed his eyes with a grunt of pain and Kakashi hissed audibly as Sasuke attempted to take advantage of Sai only to receive a stiletto to the balls and a slap to the cheek.

"Buy a girl a drink first!" Sai barked before leaving the apartment, and a sobbing Sasuke on the bathroom floor.


	3. Chapter 3

**1,oo1 Ways To Get The Fuck Over It: An Emo's Guide To Normality**

**A/N: **If you are easily offended, go away. Seriously. ;] as for the rest of you weirdos, enjoy! This is by far my favorite chapter so far.

**~xxx: Chapter 3: High and Dry Does Not Apply :xxx~**

With apparent ball sack injury, Sasuke proceeded to spasm sexily on the floor, with his hands cradling his wounded soldier. He twitched violently and his eyes rolled back in his head all cool like as he had a vision:

_~vision~_

Sasuke watched stalkerishly from his stalking perch on the rooftop as Neji and Kiba suspiciously exited a shop (run by Shikamaru in his free time) known for its 'helpful herbs and spices' (though everyone knew all he really sold was weed and whatever paraphernalia the buyers wanted…including pipes, bongs, hookahs, grow-your-own gardens, seeds…the list went on and on…)

As Sasuke followed them about, it wasn't long before they stopped into another store to buy something in a box. Sasuke wasn't quite sure what the contraption was but it looked poser-ish. He threw up a little in his mouth.

As they stopped just outside the Hyuuga Compound, Sasuke pulled out his book and began reading at the two fumbled with whatever it was that had been in the box.

**Way # ~~. ** I'm really starting to run of things for you to get over, though I must say… you need to really get the fuck over that gay hair flip you do. It's really fucking weird. Don't you hurt yourself when you throw your head over your shoulder that far? Get the fuck over it, please, and spare me the pain of watching you do it.

Ah, good ole Niu! He thought with a sexy sigh before peeking over the book to leer at the Hyuuga and Inuzuka.

Ah, they'd bought…a forty-gallon blow up pool…. "What the fuck?" he hissed with confusion.

Neji muttered something to Kiba, who quickly ran to the house and unwound the hose hanging on the porch. He cranks the faucet and runs back to the pool before the water begins pouring out of the nozzle. They stand and watching the small kiddy pool fill for a few long moments before the both begin stripping down to their boxers.

In Kiba's case, form-fitting gods-gift-to-homosexuals-and-heterosexuals-alike boxers. Sasuke could feel Big Guy jump awake at the sight of Kiba's outlined cock.

The Inuzuka took a few steps back or a running start before leaping to the air and splashing into the pool.

"Most excellent, dude!" Neji cheered before diving into it with the elegance only a drunken elephant had. It was beautiful.

"Totally bodacious, man." Kiba said with his thick surfer drawl, "This riptide is most righteous."

"Most definitely, bro." heaving a relaxed sigh, Neji reached over the side of the inflatable pool and pulled from his pocket a small, clear plastic baggie with a lighter and many white, hand rolled doobies.

"Radical, we're going to get so stoked, brah." Kiba drawled as he and Neji and relaxed, with limbs every which way before they each lit a toke and slowly inhaled.

Neji laughed, "Cowabunga, dude. Man, did you see that shubee back in the shop?"

"That dude that was totally not most excellent? Most definitely."

Sasuke screwed his face into a frown. What the fucks were they talking about? Stupid potheads, he thought…but they were sooooooo sexy. He wanted to molest them, but he would have to settle for a fap from a distance.

He slowly unzipped his pants and began stroking himself as he watched Kiba and Neji take a few more long draws on their weed before passionately making out with each other. Kiba grunted a few more words in his ridiculous druggie/surfer slang before dropping his drugs in the water to throw himself all over Neji, though they were really enacting anything sexual. He looked more like a fish that had been dragged out of water and left on the beach to drown in air.

"Hn." Sasuke grunted as he continued pumping his cock.

"Dude, did you see Shika the other day? Damn that boy's ass is bitching." Neji asked after pushing the spasming(humping?) Kiba to the other side of the pool.

"Yeah bro, but I heard he's got the surf herps."

"That is most un-bodacious." The Hyuuga visibly shuddered, as Sasuke did at the same time, his initial release staining his pants.

Fuck, Sasuke thought, as his rainbow jizz began to pour free. It had been a long time since he'd rainbowed. His entire body flopped about in the tree as the rainbow colored stream poured over the Hyuuga compound, and over Kiba and Neji and their pool.

"Whoa, most excellent!" Kiba slurred, "This is some stoked shit!"

"Right on, man, right on!" Neji opened his arms to the sky, "Cheeeee!"

"Brah, I love you. I love you so fucking hard, man. So hard." Kiba began to sob as he wrapped his arms around Neji.

"Not as much as I love you, dude. I will forever ride the waves with you man." Neji returned the hug as rainbows still poured over them.

_~end vision~_

When he came to, Sasuke quickly changed out of his newly jizzed in shorts, wrapped his little friend with gauze and limped to the kitchen to find something to ease the sharp searing pains in his dick.

Cold peas were a godsend, thought Sasuke as he slowly massaged his now bruised and bandaged junk. What the fuck was he thinking by jumping Sai? He wanted Naruto!

…And that dream thing about Kiba and Neji was weird. Like totally. They weren't even emo.

But Sai, Kiba and Neji did have beautiful, lithe, erotic bodies, almost like Sasuke's favorite porn stars from -_The Six Jounins and the Kunai of Pain and Penetration-. _His favorite part was when the hot dark haired pale boy took it up the ass. Wait, they all had dark hair and were pale…and all took it up the ass. He shrugged. He loved the whole movie.

Pressing the bag of cold peas firmly against his dick, Sasuke stood up and waddled into his kitchen to make a phone call.

"Hullo, Sakura?" He said into the receiver when the medic picked up on the other end. "Yes, it's Sasuke. I need you to come over here and help me…what is it? Well, you need to fix me, my dick I mean…no, it's not sexual…" –plus he thought, he wasn't into CavernousVagina 's… -"No, Sai and I had a disagreement and he hit me in the crotch… what was the disagreement about? Bitch, you ask a lot of questions…."

Sasuke wasn't sure if it were a good thing Sakura had hung up on the other end or not. She scared him. It probably meant she was coming over to help his cock, though (because she was totally okay with his totally goffik not prep self calling her a bitch…)

Sasuke sat back down in his lazy chair and began reading his book once more.

**Way #32.** Calling that scary female ninja on your team a bitch is probably not beneficial to your health…get the fuck over it, yourself I mean, and go on with your life and hope that she doesn't castrate you with a rusty plastic spoon.

Niu _really did_ know everything.

Holy fuck, this guy was like god. Ooohhhh…. he needed to meet him! He would stalk him once his dick stopped hurting.

He also still wanted Sai's boots. They were damned sexy, and the way they hugged his sexy legs made him hard- "Ah, fuck, ouch." He pressed his hand firmly against dick. Boners hurt now, that bastard. However would he fap tonight?

**Way #33. **You and your lover have small dicks. Get the fuck over it.

Niu was wrong about some things it seemed. Sasuke stood and book tumbled to the floor before he stumbled into his bedroom to retrieve his diary. He flipped it open to the last page and looked over his last penis measurement. "Take that Niu, I'm a whopping three and a half inches hard!"

Outside Sasuke's window, Kakashi and Itachi choked with laughter. Itachi's eyes grew wide as his ass fell from his pants and to the ground, and both he and Kakashi stared at it. And before he passed out he muttered, "I didn't think that joke was real …oh god"

~xxx~


End file.
